Nothing is Ever the Same

So now that this is mostly caught up with the last three-and-a-half years, I think I'm going to spend the rest of however long this lasts chronicling everything that's going on as it's happening. I never wrote any of this down when it was happening; I either couldn't remember it long enough or I was in so much pain that I didn't care. I had the medical details down well enough after speaking with what felt like a thousand different doctors and medical professionals, but I never stopped to think how I felt and how I was dealing with what was happening to me. From here out, then, I suppose this won't be so much story, but more stream of consciousness.

No one tells you how exhausting pain is when it's chronic pain. It makes you weak, which makes you less able to mentally and physically fight the pain, so the pain makes you even weaker, which makes you even less able to fight... It's a terribly vicious cycle that doesn't end well. And then when you become too weak to fight it, other stuff goes wrong. You're in pain all the time, so your body is running at a million miles an hour all the time - blood pressure and heart rate go through the roof, you're always hot because your bp and hr are so high, you overheat and you can't cool down, and you end up hungry but you can't bear to eat because the pain makes you nauseous. All I want to do is sleep, but that isn't happening either because I spend all day in bed resting and so I don't need as much sleep which is crap; I'm running on about five hours a night - on a good night.

And seriously. There's only so much crappy tv one can watch before one goes absolutely stir crazy. I'm totally losing my mind and going all cabin fever. I'd like to feel that I had the strength to go outside for a quick walk about the building, but I know I can barely even make it down the two flights of stairs before I overheat and need a rest. All this takes a serious mental toll. I need to keep what little strength I have so I need to keep eating, but I've gained thirty pounds in the last three years, and I don't even recognise myself in the mirror anymore because there's fat and curves in places there shouldn't be and it makes me so disgusted and uncomfortable that I can't bear to look at myself in the mirror. And none of my clothes fit anymore, so that helps.

I'm being pulled so far in so many different directions that I can't do any of it. How long before my brain completely shuts down and I check out for another six or eight months? I'd really like it if someone could just put me in a medically induced coma until I know if I can have this surgery, because I'm so tired that I don't think I'll ever be able to fully recover.